2010-Purim - The Observer - The Heterosexual Question

The Heterosexual Question

by Anonymous

Purim 2010

A recent survey of Yeshiva University’s Yeshiva College (YC) student body, conducted by the Society for Campus Equality and Wellness (SCEW), found a surprising –and to some, disturbing –number of heterosexual men on campus.

“When I read the numbers, I was shocked,” said one YC student, who wishes to remain anonymous. “I mean, where have they been hiding all this time?”

The SCEW survey found that 79% of YC students have seen a heterosexual man on the fourth floor of the Pollack Library; 83% have seen a heterosexual man walking into Golan Heights restaurant; and 92% have actually spoken to a heterosexual at least twice in the course of one semester.

“I think it’s all a sham,” said a YC student walking out of Belfer Hall, who wishes to remain anonymous. “If you ask me, it’s just one guy, and everyone happens to know him.”

With the latest discovery still fresh on campus, students are not sure how to react. Yeshiva University, a Modern-Orthodox institution, is generally accepting of open expression when it comes to student and teacher identities. However, the apparent heterosexual population has not voiced its existence since YU’s founding in 1886.

“It’s weird…it’s like all of a sudden they’re all over the place and we can’t stop talking about them,” said one student from Stern College for Women (SCW), who wishes to remain anonymous.

Indeed, the heterosexual students are making their voices heard. They’ve dominated headlines in the university presses, in several articles, such as The NonGay Question, Relating to Heterosexuality, Circling the Issue, and Inside the Closet.

“I’m really happy for them,” said a YC reporter for The Commentator –YC’s campus newspaper–who wishes to remain anonymous, “it’s almost as if they’ve become a media sensation overnight. We can’t get enough of them, and neither can our readers!”

Students are not the only ones to voice their opinion on the sudden emergence of a heterosexual population. As Yeshiva University is a Jewish institution, rabbinic authority has its say on the matter as well.

“Interesting. That’s the first word that came to my mind when I heard about this,” said MaHaRaT Sally Smith, shlita. “The public appearances might be assur, since m’meila proclaiming one’s heterosexuality b’reshus harabim is mechzei k’yuhara, and the gavra will effectively be machti es harabim in the aveira of lo sachmod,” she concluded. MaHaRaT Smith is a well-respected halachic authority among her peers, and hopes to graduate to the level of “Rabbah” within the year.

Yet the heterosexual lobby does not stop at newspaper headlines, despite the MaHaRaT’s psak halacha. According to the president of the Torah Ideals that Keep Us Nourished (TIKUN) club, there may be plans to organize a heterosexual panel in the coming months in order to really bring the issue to the forefront.

“I don’t expect many people to come, since the topic is so taboo,” said the TIKUN president, who wishes to remain anonymous, “but it’s still a worthwhile endeavor.”

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