Relating to Homosexuality
An Interview with Dr. David Pelcovitz
November 19, 2009
Commentator: Is homosexuality a matter of choice?
Dr. Pelcovitz: It poses a tremendous challenge and struggle for people. If it is a matter of choice, it is just not an easy choice to make. I do not think it is a univariate construct. I’ve never personally encountered anyone for whom it was a choice, but that is not to say that there is no one like that. There is a particular subset who knew from an early stage on that they were homosexual, and may have tried to explore other avenues of expressing their sexuality but just couldn’t. I’ve spoken with people who said they knew they were homosexual from age five and on. They just knew it. Very often they’ll fight it. For that subset, I do not think it is a choice. That is just the way they are. That is where the articles in the Commentator and Kol Hamevaser are coming from. It is as natural to them to be attracted to men as it is for heterosexual men to be attracted to women.
C: Is it healthy for homosexual men to marry heterosexual women in order to have a family and integrate into the Modern Orthodox community?
P: My heart goes out to the man who wrote the Kol Hamevaser article last year, who said that he desperately wanted to marry. Rabbi Chaim Rappaport has taken a very strong stance that he has never seen this type of marriage that has worked or been fair. I can understand that - ultimately it is hard to see how it could possibly work. There is a viewpoint that says it is possible, but I haven’t had any personal experience with a successful marriage like that. However, there are some psychologists who claim that they know some homosexuals who have married women in a way that the marriage has worked. It is a rarity and I have never seen it, but there might be some exceptions. It seems like a very cruel thing to do to a couple, to condemn them to a relationship that by its definition can’t fulfill some requirements of marriage in a fundamental way.
C: Is homosexuality against halakha?
P: I’m not qualified to talk about the halakhic aspect of this, but there is a huge difference between homosexual nature and homosexual activity. Homosexual activity is a clear-cut violation of the traditional Jewish view. There are many cases where people struggling with a specific Halacha can still be involved in the Jewish community. I don’t think this is about making homosexuality activity halakhicly ok.
C: Is homosexuality a disease or psychological disorder?
P: Until 1980, the consensus was that it was a disorder. However, the prevailing view now, as codified in the DSM IV, is that it is emphatically not an illness. Rather, it is a biologically driven choice that comes from the way people are wired.
C: How can heterosexuals try to understand homosexuals?
P: There is an approach that kind of names the monster. We educate people about the struggle and about the needs of people faced with this challenge. Validating someone’s pain is not the same as saying that it is ok to engage in something that is prohibited in mainstream Modern Orthodox Judaism. Like anything else, it is difficult but necessary to talk about it.
C: Is homophobia a problem on the YU campus?
P: I would be surprised if there isn’t a subset of people who are homophobic like in any community. When I was younger, there was a very strong tendency to judge and view homosexuality as an illness. However, when I talk to the guys there is much more openness to views that are empathetic. I’ve been impressed with the maturity amongst the guys I’ve discussed this with.
C: How would you advise YU students to respond if one of their friends reveals in confidence that he is homosexual?
P: Hear them out, accept them, and let them know that you are there for them. When you speak to anyone about their struggles, it is not as if you are saying, “go for it, do whatever you want to do.” There is a huge difference between validation, hearing, understanding, and emotional warmth on one hand and an active endorsement of certain behaviors on the other.
C: How can we at YU help to remove the taboo around homosexuality?
P: This is really a tough area. I think articles like this one are a part of a healthy process. It would be helpful if the Roshei Yeshiva would address the pain of those experiencing the struggle -that would help alleviate some of the silent pain of those individuals. You need to tell people not to be judgmental of something they don’t understand. There is a huge disconnect between the prevailing cultural view and halakha. Al tadin et chavercha ad shetagia bimkomo. This it is a very difficult and painful place to be and it is our responsibility to be as empathetic and as inclusive as we can. This is an exquisitely difficult challenge.
Dr. Pelcovitz is the Gwendolyn and Joseph Straus Chair in Psychology and Jewish Education at Yeshiva University’s Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education and Administration. He has consulted extensively with the Jewish community in the United States, Europe and Israel on a wide range of issues facing children and adolescents, and has published and lectured on various topics related to education, parenting, and child mental health.
(All rights belong to the Commentator)
No comments:
Post a Comment