Prominent Rosh Yeshiva Emerges from Closet
SATIRE
February 28, 2010
In a startling mishap that brought all YU students closer together, Rabbi Mayer Twersky inadvertently locked himself in a Glueck Center closet last Tuesday. "I was really worried," admitted a fretful semkikha student, "I thought he would never come out." As word spread, a crowd of male MYP students unwittingly huddled together for warmth in the cold rain outside the Center to recite Tehillim for the closeted Rosh Yeshiva, and chanted "Get Rabbi Twersky out of the closet."
As the gathering of concerned students grew, one unsuspecting and well-intentioned Rosh Yeshiva herded them into Weissberg Commons to discuss their feelings. A series of disgruntled announcements about that discussion will come out of the RIETS office later this week, followed by an unending stream of Closetator articles. Richard Joel's office announced that the Presinator (as he likes to be called by his coworkers) will come out with two letter later today, one in favor of the discussion, and one against it.
Unfortunately, the crack squad of YU security staff failed to free the startled Rabbi for several hours, trapping him with a mop and a pile of uninstalled Glueck center outlets. They begged him to try the door-knob from the inside, but the Rabbi was too afraid of what he would find if he reached out in the mysterious closet. The Rosh Yeshiva heard some noises, possibly the protests of the Rubin scaffolding raccoon to this intrusion on its new home, but he adamantly refused to turn on the light and expose anything or anyone who was in the closet with him.
Rabbi Twersky supposedly mistook the dark closet for a classroom while closing the door behind him. "I generally close my eyes when walking into a Glueck center classroom," Rabbi Twersky explained, "because I am nervous of what pritzus the building-wide wifi and disturbing Glueck hallway pictures might surprise me with." It is unclear as to why he and Rabbi Reiss have not demanded that the wifi be removed from Glueck yet. After asking what Yeshiva The Closetator attended in Israel, Rabbi Bronstein assured us that they would likely remove the routers themselves over Passover break when no one would be around to stop them.
The thinly veiled and euphemistically named YU Closet Klub (YUCK) requested that the Rabbi engage them in an open dialogue about his experience. Several Roshei Yeshiva signed a letter condemning any consideration of a free exchange on this issue, declaring closets an "abomination." They further demanded that maintenance remove all closets from the YC campus in order to preserve unintereupted, straight, hallway walls. Little do they know, cracks have recently appeared in the walls of RIETS as well.
A queer number of hours and several screwdrivers later, Rabbi Twersky emerged from the questionable cupboard and remarked, "It's so liberating to be out of the closet, I do not know why people would choose to be in there in the first place... it's so dark and lonely."
At the moment, the University's official position on the accidental closeting of Rabbi Twersky is ambiguous. A University Alumni representative, Steven Greenberg, encouraged open discussion about this issue, along with all humanitarian crises, while at the same time condemned all those who did so as legitimizing the act of locking yourself in a closet. Avi Klostic, president of the YU Tolerance Club, best known for making tolerance controversial, asked the Rosh Yeshiva to hold a panel discussion on his choice to lock himself in a closet. The Rosh Yeshiva declined, claiming a strong allergy to panels of any kind, and insisted that his decision to be closeted was not a choice.
"I am glad Rabbi Twersky had the strength to come out of the closet," said an anonymous YC alumnus who recently attended a panel discussion, "but he really should look where he is going in the future."
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