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2003-11-07 - The Leper [Satire] - Closet Onlysimchas Viewer Also Closet Homosexual

Closet Onlysimchas Viewer Also Closet Homosexual

by Jason Blair Jr.

November 7, 2003

Woodmere, NY – Late one night last week, the parents of local resident Jason Weinberg walked in on their son as he was perusing the guestbook of a recently engaged couple on onlysimchas.com. In a subsequent discussion Jason revealed that he had in fact been a closet viewer of onlysimchas since the Web site’s inception. Interviews with the boy’s peers have led the family to reevaluate its understanding of Jason’s sexual orientation.

News of Jason’s preferences sent shockwaves through his high school, HAFTR, a modern orthodox institution in Long Island. According to students, Jason has never had any trouble in school and has participated in many extra-curricular activities. He is president of the chess team, an unusually active member of the debate squad, and a dedicated wrestler. A classmate of Jason summed up the prevailing view of Jason’s dumbfounded friends. “I can’t believe that he spends hours a night checking out posts on onlysimchas,” he said. “That’s so gay.”

Such sentiments have spurred local parents into organizing a grassroots campaign to get the onlysimchas site shut down. The Web site ostensibly provides an on-line forum for Jews to exchange best wishes and photographs on the happy occasions of weddings, bar/ bat mitzvahs, engagements, and births. But HAFTR parent Sheila Broslowski had her doubts. “If onlysimchas can turn Jason gay then what about the rest of the kids?” she lamented. Many students, citing the site’s flamboyant use of exclamation points, agreed with Broslowski’s contention that persistent browsing of the site can potentially “gayify” viewers.

Some, however, maintain that the community is jumping to conclusions. “Just because someone reads posts on onlysimchas doesn’t make him gay,” said accountant Phil Silverman. “He could just be a woman.”


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